Dealing with sadness

If you've read any of my previous posts, you may be aware that I have a toddler at home.  He'll be turning 3 in September.  For close to a year now my husband and I have been trying to make a big brother out of him.  Alas, it has not turned out as I had planned.

Again this month I find myself shopping for the conciliatory bottle of wine that I treat myself to when I know that I am not preggers.  I had a bit of a breakdown last night thinking about it.

I must admit that I've lived a fairly charmed life.  Pieces fall into place for me (and even more so for my husband, which I get the benefit of), so I've had very little experience dealing with loss and sadness.  Neither has my husband, and quite frankly he doesn't know how to handle me when I have these breakdowns.

Now, some of you may think that almost a year is not so much time - most people agree that you should wait at least a year before being concerned about fertility.  I would suspect that that is doubly so for me.  I did not have trouble getting pregnant with my little guy.  I do believe that I will get pregnant again without too much fuss and I'm quite sure I don't have to worry about my fertility.  I think my sadness is reflected by the fact that I had a miscarriage in March.  That was the most emotional thing that I have ever been through, and I do intend posting on that experience more fully in the future.  I think I'm waiting until I have happy news to report before writing that heart wrenching post though.

As the anticipated due date for the baby I lost looms closer though, each month I find out that I'm not pregnant again gets harder.  I'm sure that if I don't have a wee one to look forward to when I hit that milestone, I will be an absolute mess.

For today though, I move on as though life is the same.  I swallow hard a few times to prevent the emotion from being seen by my colleagues and smile as I toast my husband with a newly opened bottle of wine, or share a beer with teammates after a game.  All the while I wish that I had a reason not to drink.  That I could politely decline because I have a happy little secret of my own.

Maybe next month.