If you've read any of my previous posts, you may be aware that I have a toddler at home. He'll be turning 3 in September. For close to a year now my husband and I have been trying to make a big brother out of him. Alas, it has not turned out as I had planned.
Again this month I find myself shopping for the conciliatory bottle of wine that I treat myself to when I know that I am not preggers. I had a bit of a breakdown last night thinking about it.
I must admit that I've lived a fairly charmed life. Pieces fall into place for me (and even more so for my husband, which I get the benefit of), so I've had very little experience dealing with loss and sadness. Neither has my husband, and quite frankly he doesn't know how to handle me when I have these breakdowns.
Now, some of you may think that almost a year is not so much time - most people agree that you should wait at least a year before being concerned about fertility. I would suspect that that is doubly so for me. I did not have trouble getting pregnant with my little guy. I do believe that I will get pregnant again without too much fuss and I'm quite sure I don't have to worry about my fertility. I think my sadness is reflected by the fact that I had a miscarriage in March. That was the most emotional thing that I have ever been through, and I do intend posting on that experience more fully in the future. I think I'm waiting until I have happy news to report before writing that heart wrenching post though.
As the anticipated due date for the baby I lost looms closer though, each month I find out that I'm not pregnant again gets harder. I'm sure that if I don't have a wee one to look forward to when I hit that milestone, I will be an absolute mess.
For today though, I move on as though life is the same. I swallow hard a few times to prevent the emotion from being seen by my colleagues and smile as I toast my husband with a newly opened bottle of wine, or share a beer with teammates after a game. All the while I wish that I had a reason not to drink. That I could politely decline because I have a happy little secret of my own.
Maybe next month.